what my head contains

when i said i don’t remember that day, i’m not lying. sometimes the most important stuff goes away like its never there to begin with. it’s funny how things stick in your head, i could tell you backwards and forwards about some stuff when i was five, but somehow i cant seem to remember the important parts, well at least not the stuff that they want me to… i have been forgetting things that are important… important things for the greater good of what’s still left of my humanity. i have been forgetting things that are important for the well being of my family, and also the things that my kinfolks have been entrusting me to guard that’s of great value… my memory betrays me for i have not known where i have been keeping things lately… they drift away and escape my grasp on to the nothingness of the dark beyond… it is like there’s this great black veil covering my horizon in which i can’t see what is in front of me and the memory that i have are covered and lie dormant for an eternity… it pains me not to remember those things… specially those things i keep and don’t recall where i put them. and when the time comes that they look for those things that i keep for them, i have but nothing to say to them, but, i could not find them… it is rather painful to say it to them but i really don’t remember them… it’s not that i don’t want to remember it’s just i can’t remember… i think the darkness already got me and there is no way on turning back… turning back to the light in which i once frolicked and loved. it also pains me to know that my kin doesn’t believe me when i tell them that i don’t remember where i put them because they only think that i do not care for those things they value… they think that i only care for those things that are mine… and it’s not true… i value what’s theirs but it’s just i can’t always remember. i have even tried to list the things that they let me keep, but the trouble is i can’t even remember where i put the list in the first place. it is hard for me to be this way but i guess i can’t do anything about it any more… and i also came to this decision that i won’t accept the things that my family holds of great value because i know and fear that i will loose them in the end… to tell you the truth, lately i even have trouble in looking for things that i just put somewhere a few minutes ago… i really don’t remember. i only fear the day that i really would forget everything that is for me to remember… everything that i hold that are important to me… every bit of memory that keeps me from crossing to the realm of insanity, and frankly i think that line that separates me from sanity and insanity is rather thin… thinner than the finest silk thread. and i fear that that line is getting thinner every day. what would i do then when that thin line finally breaks??? what would become of me is the real question if that line is broken. would i even remember who i am if that time comes??? there are a lot of questions that i need answers regarding this, but unfortunately i don’t have anybody here to answer them… all i have left are these broken down memories in which i do not have any clue on how to put them together for me to see the whole story… i have nobody else to look for help in order to piece them together but myself. it is a harsh and cruel fate that i have stumbled upon and came to live with, but it’s already stuck here with me so i guess i have to live with it.

have you ever had that feeling that you know that there is something terrible going to happen? call it premonition or gut feeling but it really does happen once in a while. its sort of like life’s cruel way in giving you a glimpse of the inevitable future…and after the event as we may call it, happens, we sometimes regret that we did not do anything about it so that we could change the out come…its kind of depressing sometimes, knowing that there’s something bad going to happen and we did not do anything about it… maybe we had those visions or feelings because we are not meant to change them but rather get us prepared for what will happen in the future. or maybe its just there because its just there. we may not have the right answers to all of these questions on how we get those feelings or glimpses of the near future but we could as well be thankful of those things because we were given an advance warning of what is going happen to you. it is rather good in a way that certain things happen to a person, because somehow some of them turn out for the better. but we could not deny the facts that some of those things do happen for the worst. and maybe all we can do about it is learn from that mistake and take heed of the future warnings that we are going to get in the future. nobody really knows what the future will bring to all of us but we definitely have the power to create our own future.