what my head contains

i think the title very much speaks for itself… for a number of years i had been doing the complete opposite of what it means and i almost always end up getting hurt or getting the wrong end of the rope. but now i am fed up with all of these crap that i myself, being a human, decided to trust no one but myself…. trust…humph…. that word alone doesn’t even breach the insides of my corrupted brain.trusting no one definitely has its perks… and i can not deny that it also has its downsides… but over the years you get accustomed to its downsides that it feels like its just a part of your daily routine.this world had always been cruel and unjust to the people that lived in its crust… more so to those people that is trying to just survive and live another day. trusting somebody is really a risk worth taking… at least that’s how i see it. i am knackered of this world and everything on it that i would grab the first thing that would take me away from this dump… i have lost all my hope for all humanity that there are only a few people that i really do trust. humanity or being human… what does that really mean for us now a days??? i think over the years the core and meaning of those two has diminished to just a big pile of nothingness and just a classification from other creatures that lives with us in this world. and not just those two… i also think that trust is a word and virtue that has diminished or not sometimes forgotten ever since it had been introduced to us human beings. from the way i see it people can blurt it out loud without meaning it, just like they are simply discarding something that has no value.trust… who can we trust now a days but ourselves. its really not the words fault, but rather the people that are living in this muddled world that we live in today… people betray people… and even the most trust worthy person sometimes can not be trusted because we really do not know how that person think at all… i do not know what drives a person to betray some ones trust for them at all… and frankly i really don’t care. as long as i inhibit or restrain myself from trusting the people other than those selected few that i already trust… i really don’t give a horses ass what they do with their life or which people they destroy. life is harsh and i think we have to be harsh as well so that we can survive…

when i said i don’t remember that day, i’m not lying. sometimes the most important stuff goes away like its never there to begin with. it’s funny how things stick in your head, i could tell you backwards and forwards about some stuff when i was five, but somehow i cant seem to remember the important parts, well at least not the stuff that they want me to… i have been forgetting things that are important… important things for the greater good of what’s still left of my humanity. i have been forgetting things that are important for the well being of my family, and also the things that my kinfolks have been entrusting me to guard that’s of great value… my memory betrays me for i have not known where i have been keeping things lately… they drift away and escape my grasp on to the nothingness of the dark beyond… it is like there’s this great black veil covering my horizon in which i can’t see what is in front of me and the memory that i have are covered and lie dormant for an eternity… it pains me not to remember those things… specially those things i keep and don’t recall where i put them. and when the time comes that they look for those things that i keep for them, i have but nothing to say to them, but, i could not find them… it is rather painful to say it to them but i really don’t remember them… it’s not that i don’t want to remember it’s just i can’t remember… i think the darkness already got me and there is no way on turning back… turning back to the light in which i once frolicked and loved. it also pains me to know that my kin doesn’t believe me when i tell them that i don’t remember where i put them because they only think that i do not care for those things they value… they think that i only care for those things that are mine… and it’s not true… i value what’s theirs but it’s just i can’t always remember. i have even tried to list the things that they let me keep, but the trouble is i can’t even remember where i put the list in the first place. it is hard for me to be this way but i guess i can’t do anything about it any more… and i also came to this decision that i won’t accept the things that my family holds of great value because i know and fear that i will loose them in the end… to tell you the truth, lately i even have trouble in looking for things that i just put somewhere a few minutes ago… i really don’t remember. i only fear the day that i really would forget everything that is for me to remember… everything that i hold that are important to me… every bit of memory that keeps me from crossing to the realm of insanity, and frankly i think that line that separates me from sanity and insanity is rather thin… thinner than the finest silk thread. and i fear that that line is getting thinner every day. what would i do then when that thin line finally breaks??? what would become of me is the real question if that line is broken. would i even remember who i am if that time comes??? there are a lot of questions that i need answers regarding this, but unfortunately i don’t have anybody here to answer them… all i have left are these broken down memories in which i do not have any clue on how to put them together for me to see the whole story… i have nobody else to look for help in order to piece them together but myself. it is a harsh and cruel fate that i have stumbled upon and came to live with, but it’s already stuck here with me so i guess i have to live with it.

have you ever had that feeling that you know that there is something terrible going to happen? call it premonition or gut feeling but it really does happen once in a while. its sort of like life’s cruel way in giving you a glimpse of the inevitable future…and after the event as we may call it, happens, we sometimes regret that we did not do anything about it so that we could change the out come…its kind of depressing sometimes, knowing that there’s something bad going to happen and we did not do anything about it… maybe we had those visions or feelings because we are not meant to change them but rather get us prepared for what will happen in the future. or maybe its just there because its just there. we may not have the right answers to all of these questions on how we get those feelings or glimpses of the near future but we could as well be thankful of those things because we were given an advance warning of what is going happen to you. it is rather good in a way that certain things happen to a person, because somehow some of them turn out for the better. but we could not deny the facts that some of those things do happen for the worst. and maybe all we can do about it is learn from that mistake and take heed of the future warnings that we are going to get in the future. nobody really knows what the future will bring to all of us but we definitely have the power to create our own future.

i don’t think i know what the definition of love is. people have different views and different meanings for love. for me i guess, love is not in the heart, its just in your tongue…and love is just a word. well maybe you can define love when you can’t stop thinking about them, and they’re the first thought you have in the morning and the very last thought you have at night…so maybe love is not in your heart but in your head. people say that love can heal all things and that it would be better to have loved than not to have loved at all… but why does it always end up differently? why doesn’t it go back to how it used to be in the first place? and if two people fall in love or they say that they love a person, why do they keep on hurting the other? and if they do a bad thing to their loved one why do they always say that they are only human…. its funny how a person could say that only if they had done something wrong… i mean people never say that they are only human when they help other people from a burning building. people say that love hurts… but why do people keep on loving if they know that they would be hurt in the first place? its ironic isn’t it… people can’t seem to have enough of it but we get tired of getting hurt. is love really worth it to sacrifice all that you have for the other person??? well apparently some people think it is… so i ask you guys, what if in the end you make a mistake and you think that they are really not worth the risk taking… what then? would you back out on what you have said? but what if its already too late to back out… what would you do? there are a lot of questions that i cant seem to answer regarding love. and the more people i ask about what love means for them, the more i ask myself on what love really is… i guess we people really don’t know what the true meaning of love… we only say what we experienced that the word love gave… so does that mean in order to know what love is you have to experience love??? so i guess love is also just an experience. this is the hardest piece of writing that i ever written. i think i am not that experienced enough to tackle anything regarding love… so i guess this will be it… if you people do ever read this please leave me a comment or write me an email so that i could be enlightened on what love really is all about.

well my head is like this one huge black hole in which everything being sucked into it disappears completely…. never to be heard again…. never to be seen again. i really can’t quite explain myself on how and why i feel this way but i just feel this way. it’s like i constantly forget the things that i should do and the things that i have done in the past weeks. it sounds dumb not to remember all of them but i just do. the normal brain that every one has should be progressing… but for some reason unknown i feel that my brain is doing the complete opposite of what it should be doing. instead of progressing, it is regressing. these past few days, its just like i am reliving my life… i see the things that i had long forgotten and remember that i used to like them… i remember times that i had fun with the people that i had the pleasure of meeting… i reminisce the times of old in which i was actually happy… but its all gone now… i seemed to have forgotten on how to be happy. it’s just like i myself am not capable of being happy anymore. it’s funny the way it is that sometimes you forget the things that really matters and remember the things that aren’t important. people come in to my life and it’s a good feeling. it actually reminds me that i am still alive in this earth that we live upon. but for some reason, i feel my life slipping into the void of nothingness each day and i slowly let go of all the memories which are actually the only things that i hold on to. i know some people that came into my life try to change me for the better, but, try as i may it still flops down and disappears. i told people that i had already given up on humanity because frankly i can’t seem to find any good in them at all. but you know what… the worst part is knowing that there is goodness in people… mostly it stays deep down and buried. we try to avoid all the good stuff that we have deep inside and do bad stuff instead. maybe we do the bad stuff that we do because we’re scared of the good stuff. we could be good all the time if we wanted… so when we do bad things maybe its because we want to… or because we have to… or maybe we just need the bad stuff to remind us of the good stuff in the first place. i don’t know, maybe it’s just me who’s thinking this way. or maybe i just feel this way because my brain is regressing that it doesn’t make me feel anything anymore. i mean i am not capable of emotions anymore. i only let other people see what they expect to see from me so i give them an act. after all life is nothing but an act so i give them a play. i remember the day when i last cried. it was when my father died… i didn’t know what to do… i didn’t know if i should stop crying and be strong or continue on crying… but my tears just came so i cried. one thing i learned from crying though, it’s that it can never bring back the person that died or it could never bring back what has been lost. and i guess nothing can make things that happened, unhappen. i really don’t know why i am doing all the things i do or feel the way i feel today… but  maybe somewhere in all of these there’s a reason, maybe somewhere in all of these there is a why that can answer all of your questions.

a bunch of people out there are phonies. they try to be what they think they are not. it’s ludicrous and absurd. why can’t they just accept who they really are? it’s easier that way. people wont always understand why you are exactly the way you are and i guess they never will, but, its what you are meant to be and nobody cant change that. it’s much more simpler that way. if they don’t like it. screw them; you don’t need anybody’s approval to be who you are. they are just not comfortable because maybe they find you a bit threatening. they are threatened because they think that you are way better than they are. so that’s why they think badly of you. those people that think that they are better than other people are most likely the losers of this mundane world. they are just afraid because you might create something better than what they can think of. people are like that. if something new comes along that they don’t really understand… they try to destroy it or hate it before they really understand what it’s for. its human nature… it’s a part of us… its what some other people live for. it’s disgusting i know, but that’s the way they are. and i think that’s what makes people try to change to what they are not because they are afraid to be left out, they are afraid that they wont be as normal as the next person is. they are too afraid to show who they really are because they are too afraid that they might get hurt in the process. and those people are phonies, ludicrous, a sham, spurious, ersatz, apocryphal. those people that try to be somebody they are not are the people that i abhor the most. i can’t fathom why they should ever be afraid of who they are? is it the fear of rejection? is it the fear of not being accepted? it’s not your problem if they can’t accept who you really are. it’s theirs. i know that people would be hurt and feel that i am looking down on them but i am not. if you people are in any way affected with what i had wrote, then you have to deal with it because this is just the way i see you guys. if you have problems with it feel free to contact me. i will entertain your questions on why i feel that way. i am not sorry in any ways. it’s just my opinion. i know that this is kind of harsh but somehow it’s true. there are people that really do these kind of stuff. pathetic isn’t it. i used to feel the same way but thank god i snapped out of it. i realized that i wasn’t happy with the things that are going on. and i know that people who continue on living like this aren’t happy also. i can’t say that i am happy now but i feel better now that i am living the way i want to live. of course there are still factors that try to mold me to the way they want me to be, but, i just ignore them…. finally. they will continue on doing that but i don’t care, it’s not as if i would do what they want but it’s annoying i have to admit. people are really funny sometimes. i think this is enough lashing this time. i think i had done enough damage for one night. i have to admit that this is rude in many ways but deal with it. the truth always hurts and may not sound good most of the time and i guess it will always be the way it is.

well….. it’s me again. another boring day in my life…. lately some of the people in my work have had their bad days and they vented it out on me. why would they do that when i don’t even know what it’s all about? well actually maybe i do know what it’s all about. but even so… i still don’t have anything to do with it so why drag me in to their own mess???? i already have a lot of mess of my own that i don’t need what’s theirs to clean up. it’s like i have no where to go. where can i go where there’s no one behind my back? if i go to work there’s people there that tells me to do this and to do that. every thing that they are supposed to do are passed down to me. why can’t they do it themselves? and when i go home there’s always something that i did not do. i just don’t know what they want from me. i give up…. sometimes i think and think what if i wasn’t born in this world, what would their lives have been? i just don’t know anymore i just don’t know where to go. i wouldn’t be surprised if you people see me walking haplessly is the streets one day. all i need is time away from all of these, even for just a day. a time….. just all for myself and nobody to worry about. nobody to talk to, nobody to insistently tell me to do this and to do that. i hate it when people do that. don’t they know that i’m already capable of deciding on my own? its like i don’t have a place to go to. when i go to work… there’s always the same things to do, same people to see, and the same people that tells me what to do. and then there’s the sanctuary of home sweet home. i can never be good enough for them. sometimes i think that it’s not my home. i think that it’s just a house that i live in but not a home. and i guess it will never be….i’m so tired of all of therein so tired of pretending to people that doesn’t care if i even exist or not. i’m so tired of the lies i make to make them happy. when will this all end? this is stupid, stupid, stupid….. why don’t you just take me out of this misery?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  sometimes i see the way it could have been for my life, but…. it’s too late for them now. i’m not the person that you think i am…. i am who i am, and i can’t change. there are people around me who try to give me advice and offer me help, but, can’t they see that it’s already too late? why is it too hard to talk to those people you love? why is it easier for them too just see you as a person that gives them problems rather than the person that they claim to love? why can’t it be the way it used to when it was much easier to talk to them?  i guess i’m just sick of you getting disappointed. i just can’t seem to see any point to all of these….. i’m just too tired to care anymore. i just really think that i need some time alone to think these through because i cant take these constant bickering from people anymore. i seemed to be in a world of paradoxical uncertainties. i have botched every thing for a chance to be a normal person…. but what does it mean to be normal???? if being normal means to be unhappy with the life that you live in order that you may fit in this world, then, i don’t want to be normal. i don’t care if i would be normal for that matter. i just want to live my life the way i see it fit and nobody would ever try to correct what i have made of it. i don’t want people to interfere with the things i had planned on. it may sound selfish but that’s the way i want it to be. i do not intend to put people down or hurt people but that’s the way i have always been…… a loner…. a pariah…. an Ishmael…. one of the untouchables….and having been the way i was makes me the way i am now. you don’t have to accept to who and what i have become…. all you can do is just be happy for what i have become…. that’s all i’m asking for i guess…. its not to much to ask for isn’t it??? you can think whatever that you want to think about me because i don’t care what you think…. i just want to be left alone for a change i guess…. i just want to be freed from the grasp in which the people that surrounds me call normal. this being said… i hope you understand why i am being the way i am today

somebody ones told me that one of the happiest
faces masks one of the saddest faces on earth.in
my case this is true. i have been showing to the
people a very happy face indded that they do not
know all the pain, the hurt, the lonliness, and the
hate that is burning inside. its just like another
wound i conceal from public. for a number of years
in my life i have been living a sham…. a sham to
say that i have alot of different things that is
trapped and concealed with in me that i can not
vent out. i just recieved an email from a very good
freind reminding me of why i write these things. i
thank her for reminding me and letting me find the
writer that is in me. this just maybe one of the few
outlets i have so that i wont be drowned by all of
these burdens i carry. i have made this public
because i want the reader to know what i am
feeling and maybe find a way to let them know how
bad it is for me to continue on living. and maybe let
other people see the mistakes in their own lives
and try to correct them because it is already too
late for my life to be corrected. i have heard a lot of
things and experienced alot of thigns that hindered
me to turn my head and look at the other side of
life. i am just keeping my head up in the ocean of
misery that we call life and frankly i am tired of it. i
am so sick of keeping myself afloat that i
sometimes think about letting go of the plank im
holding on and just drown… drown and see what
the next life brings me. i am truely tired of being a
disappointment. every where i go it seems that
people are disappointed at me. i cant seem to find
a place in which nobody will be at my back telling
me what to do. i am sick hearing how disappointed
people are that i sometimes wake up and believe
them. i have been running this race and i am tired
of it. some people say that running this race
makes a person stronger. but it does not. people
have been hurt trying to run this race. i for one am
hurt in trying to run this race… i dont intend of
winning it but i only want this to end. and if ending
the race means the end of my life, well so be it. i
am so sick and tired of mylife that it affects even
my sleep. i dnt sleep anymore and dont get tired.
and people have been telling me that i should rest
because it might make me sick. but in the back of
my mind i will have plenty of sleep when i am
dead. is there somebody out there that can take
me out of my misery? i really am tired of all of
these. i alreeady gave up on life so why am i still
living? somebody once told me that life is an
adventure. but for me death is the only adventure. i
have lived for 23 years and i cant seem to find any
adventure in my life nor will i ever find it. so thats
why i had thought that death will be the only
adventure for me. i dont know what will happen to
me when i die and i dont know what will happen to
my family when i die to. so it would be an
adventure treading the unknown. it would be sad
and grief stricken but it would be fun for as well.
braving the so called unknown horrizon and not
knowing the new will bring. but until that day, when
my true adventure comes i will still be here
standing and running race of life. i guess this world
is not meant for me or rather i am not meant for
this world that no matter how hard i try to be the
person expected of me i continually crash and fail.
and then again disappoint the people that claims
to love me. i am not a hateful person but i just hate
to be alive. and yet i am too afraid to die. i will
never be truely happy in this world like other
people will be and i think i will never have anything
to look forward to. people have tried to help and
save whats left of this life but dont they know that
it is already too late? cant they see that i cant be
helped anymore? sometimes i see the way it could
have been but i just cant be the person that they
think i am. i am a nobody, so why cant i just be
eliminated and replaced by another that would
bring great things in this world.

have you ever been low that you felt like you have
nothing to loose and you dont care whether you
live or die? well, i have. and i would not recomend
it for a vacation spot. i have been depressed for a
number of years now and it seems that only a
handful of people knows about it. it seems to me
that nobody cares if i exist or not… my family
doesnt see me. people at work dont see me, its
like im invisible. all i have is myself. and i guess it
would be that way for the rest of my years. sure i
have friends, but if you ask them, they could say
that they only know a part of the grand design. a
friend once told me that i am like a charm bracelet.
one week i would be this way and the following
week i would be totally different. she even asked
me if i am pushing my friends back so that i would
be alone. i am not trying to push back all the
friends that i have gathered. i am grateful for them
sticking by in fact. i myself could not fathom the
very nature of myself much less the people that
surrounds me. i may be hurting people
unconsciously but i dont mean to. i am just being
me i guess. i see the world around me differently
compared to other people around me i guess. i can not explain how i
see it and i can not explain why i feel this way… i
guess you have to live my life in order for you to
realise and to undersatnd me completely. they say
no one is an island and thats true in some case. i
have tried my very hardest to live up to what my
family expects me to be, but, it seems to me that
it was not good enough for them. i have tried a
number of ways just to fit in with other people, i
even tried lying about myself, but it still did not
work. you could try a million lies, but in the end
you will never have your own. people could be cruel
in many different ways and sometimes they tend
to be blunt about it. i can say that theres only a handful
people that understands me, but i can say that they                                                                                              do not understand me completely because some how they
still cant figure out how my mind works. some
people even gave up trying to understand but i dnt
blame them. in fact i give them credit in trying to. i
think i am just not cut out for this world and i think
that there is a better world for me out there. i just
dont know where it is and how to get there. but i
still am looking for that place where i could say
that i belong. but….. a person doesnt know what they
are looking for untill they find it . well i guess i have
a lot of searching to do just to find that place of my
own. i do not care where it would lie or how it
would look like as long as i am contented and
would not look for anything else. until that day i will
be the way that i am today because i may not find
what i am looking for. there have a number of days
that i have stoped and gave up hope of ever finding
my happiness and i felt worst. during those time i
could say that i was at the very lowest point i
could ever go. now a days i have been picked up
by some people that gives me solitude.but i can not
say that i am really out of that hole because
sometimes it drags me back to the bottom. i can
never be truely happy i guess and it feels like that i
will never have any thing to look forward to. it hurts
the way im feeling now but i could not help it. i dnt
know what to do to raise my self, so i just cover all
the hurt inside me.cover them so that the people and the world wont see.                                                                a very good friend told me once, that a happy face may conceal one of the
saddest face there is. and it is true for me. i may
look happy, but inside, i feel like i would not have
another day to live. i have contemplated suicide
before but its like i said. i hate being alive but i am
too afraid to be dead. i dnt know what else i could
do in order be happy. i dont even know if i would be
happy. and come to think of it i never felt happy before.                                                                                      i had my fortunes told a couple of weeks
past and she told me that i would be sucessful in
the future. but somehow i dont see myself alive in
five or ten years from now. i just cant see that
there will be a future for me. i have dreams, great
dreams to be exact but i guess they will be
nothing but dreams. in the end i will have nothing
nor would have anybody to please.

i dont if this posting would evenr be read by you
guys, but what the heack. i dnt have anything to
do here right now and ive been in the mood for
writing for these past few weeks. this may not
mean anything for those people that really dnt
know me and for those people that think they know
me. but for those people that know me… this
would be an additional information for you so that
you may atleast be closer to the real person that i
think i really am. coz most of you guys that knows
me and for those people that doesnt… i am an
enigma even to my self. i am a case study of my
own and i have a whole chapter for myself
regarding my disfunctions or defects. and for these
past few weeks i made up my mind and
persevered in becoming a pariah. it might not be
that appealing to most of the people that seeks
attention and acceptance, but i have found it better
for my life. and being a pariah has definitely has its
perks. i would not rather tell you guys what they
are because you might be infected to be who you
really arent. be happy for what you are and dont try
to be somebody that you are not just to impress
other people and so that you can fit in. life isnt
always revolving around those people that you
think that you belong too. there is alot of things
that are better and more glorious other than what
you see in the "in crowd" there are people that are
more truer than those people that raise themselves
in the pedestal to be noticed. because most of the
people that shuns their true apperance are most
likely the people that are interesting and people
that are intellectually gifted. and havine the
decition that i had made most certainly showed
me the true nature of people that surrounds me.
people who think that they are great because they
fit just right in and because they are hip and think
that they know everything are mostly ignorant
themselves. they dont have any clue on what the
world is really all about and how the world around
us became to what it is right now. they dont have
any clue on how to survive in the real world when
they will come to the end of their so called
glamourous rope. they would not have anything nor
would they would have anybody to comfort them
and help them in thier down times. i have just
written this just to let other people know that there
are other things around you. and i have been up
and i have been down in this circle of life. although
my downs compared to my ups is one in a
million… no its not true, its an exageration.. more
like one in five hundred, i have been living still and
struggle to survive. but i really am tired of this race
and i have been so low that i sometimes dont care
weather i live or die. sometimes i feel that i dont
want to live, but i am too scared to die. and it hurts
to be in that position. maybe this is whyu im put in
this earth …. to tell other people that there is more
to life than what you have in the palm of your hand.
all you need to do is to take a step and get out of
the cage that is holding you and break loose to the
chains that has been holding you down for most of
your life. but this is just an opinion i as i have said
in the title of this post. but if you would read this. i
pray you have the courage that i never had in
breaking the monotony of your own life and live out
what you always have dreamed of living. we only
live one life… to those who are lucky that is. so
you guys should live them to your fullest. dont be
the person i was before. you will only regret them
in the end if you did not live your life. there would
be alot of "what if’s and what could have beens"
and i tell you tyhat is not a preety good memory to
have. dont worry your self if people around you
doesnt accept who you are. be with other people
that would truely appreciate the real you. i tell you,
you will be happier this way. you dont have to
wake up every day and think who you would be
today. because that would be a sham…. be the
person who you truely are and be happy to be
yourself